5 Tips For Exploring Polyamory Without Getting Stuck In Polyagony

Connecting with multiple people can bring so many gifts and it can bring up a lot of challenges and emotions. Discover how to have more harmony and connection, rather than pain and separation.

Caitlyn Cook

Ethical polyamory can be an exquisite relationship path. It involves expressing your authentic desire, having consensual agreements and exploring love and romance with multiple partners. It can bring so many gifts and it can bring up a lot of challenges and emotions.

Here are 5 tips for exploring this path of relating with more harmony and connection, rather than pain and separation.

1. Be honest with what you really want and communicate it.

Don’t say yes (or no) to things that don’t feel right. It doesn’t feel good and ultimately contracts you and the relationship, rather than expanding and opening it. The whole intention for entering into Polyamory is to express your authentic self and authentic desires, not get stuck in a whole new set of fake and uncomfortable agreements. Free yourself. Be honest. And sometimes that even means that you don’t want to explore polyamory right now! That’s okay too.

2. Set very clear boundaries that feel good.

Boundaries are things that help you to relax and fully open in an experience. When you’re both clear about what the boundaries are, you can relax and play in this safe space. Sure, test your growth zone (growth usually doesn’t feel comfortable), but don’t go so far that you feel freaked out and contracted. Don’t rush… Go slow… And a pro tip: boundaries refer to before, during and after an experience, so talk about what you want for each of these phases.

3. Process your emotions. Regularly.

Emotions will come up! Difficult ones! Jealousy is one of the big ones. This is a gift because as you digest and move through these, you become free. Get therapy, talk to a pillow, journal, dance it out, self-reflect and digest and let go of the feelings that keep you contracted.

What you don’t acknowledge, digest, and release consciously will come out in other ways. So make sure you’re processing what you’re feeling.

4. Debrief and have regular check-ins.

Healthy relationships require check-ins and regular authentic (heart-opening!) communication. This is very true with poly. This is your time to be very honest. When you’re checking in, consider...
:: How you’re feeling
:: How your partner(s) are feeling
:: What’s working and what’s not working
I:: s there anything unsaid that needs to be said?
:: What’s needed to support this relationship
:: Is there anything that could change for things to feel more perfect?

5. Look after your home relationship

If your primary relationship is feeling wobbly, connecting with other partners can be a way to avoid the situation. It can be a good idea to focus on repairing and restabilising the relationship before giving your energy outside the relationship.

If you have other tips that have been really useful for you on your non-monogamy journey, please share! Reach out to us at hello@lua.earth.

Lua is launching in the UK soon. Get matched with like-minded: apply for Lua now and get notified when the app is available in your area.

Caitlyn Cook

Caitlyn is an artist, writer, embodied spirituality & mindful intimacy facilitator, and podcast host.

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